Remembering

Thoughtful conversation:

[Friend:] He said he would not believe until he had placed his hands in Jesus' side and hands (Peter)

then, Jesus appeared to him, and asked him and all he said was "My Lord"overwhelmed with awe and love. I think sometimes it's like that for me, with all of the intellectual mess
and questions and discussions and doubt and politics of the church- then in such a simple way He reveals himself, and it's like that... suddenly there's a softness and all you can say or think is "My Lord!"

[Me:] I think the jealousy of God is a really wonderful attribute that we don't pay enough attention too. If God is jealous of our affection, our attention... then He's jealous of our communication too. So of course He is willing to speak to us more than Satan, more than our feeble brains filling our heads with our weaknesses, more than our flesh... He is jealous of us. And that's amazing. We're wanted and pursued by Him... if only we tune our hearts into that. I want that constant communion so much deeper, because its there- its like a radio channel always going on, but I just have to tune to it.

home?

Yesterday, I met with the leaders of the International missions team at my church. I immediately felt so welcomed and cared for (I've only been attending there a year with living in Portland in the middle so I don't know many people there.) Jim & Carol Gibbs walked me through some steps for preparing my heart, getting my world-view shaken again, and setting up a home team. It is a huge encouragement to have their support now and to find my fit in the local church. After all my uprooting - living in Texas, Hawaii, Maryland, Montana, Oregon, and a summer in Brazil... I feel roots again-- that will last the six months I am gone.

God does funny things- their house church (small group) is switching to Tuesdays which was when my African Dance & Culture class was supposed to be and I was disappointed by that. Tuesday, two hours before my class, it got canceled so now I can go to the home group and get more involved with the church here for the next six weeks... AND I'm still going to take a dance class.

Also, I found out more about my schedule/team in Uganda. They'll be fifteen students from Uganda, Tanzania, Sudan, Nigeria, South Africa, and the USA. For the first three months from 8am till 4pm every day I'll be learning & putting into practice development skills and doing outreaches in the area working with the community. Besides the development activities we'll also be preaching! Ahh! I am so excited, as it approaches the feelings grow that I both, have no idea how crazy this will be-- and will see again just how near God always is.

"I'm not an English garden."

Just forty five days till I depart.
These days are rich with life.

Twisting messy wind dried hair after rainshine leads down golden purple hued train tracks, and the tip tops of trees glow with light, white stallions rear up in clouds and race across an indigo sky, puddles reveal upside down skylines and the sky changes dresses like an insecure girl from magenta to scarlet, and giving up to rose. Old fields that swim with childhood memories, growing up with me-- the ordinariness of softball and soccer games, of first loves and friendships, of a summer job fading into the cool autumn , blankets and cups of hot cocoa-- memories lively as ever. Candle-lit picnics, framed knee to knee, with jeera, masala, and curry spiced tongues, mint leaves on water, autumn leaves in our hair, and the scent of fresh bread baked into our skin as night awakens and the storm rolls out.

and thoughts are heavy, pressing inward to shape my heart.

[August 27th]

I won't get long sidetracked on this because I have expressed myself at length before but, isn't it strange how desiring peace and as much as possible non-violence makes you a target as a traitor, unpatriotic, disrespectful. Since when does being American mean thinking her name is worth bloodshed no matter the circumstance? Surely I missed that memo. And yet I wish I could speak - not about wars- but about how our lives should be non-violent. Paul taught whatever was beneficial (as he repeats in his letters.) I am just discontent. With the differences, and not knowing where I should be- these opposing sides.

Like this, my friend had a note on facebook of Emerson's poem- and this guy started this long discussion about how God is a jealous God and Emerson had some messed up theories and therefore its wrong to read Emerson because we're aligning ourselves against God. "And Jesus isn't a pacifist (check out Revelations)" - yet Jesus was the one who blessed the peacemakers. I don't know it just upset me- because I wonder, am I wrong? am I decieved? Is God jealous and angry that I am finding the truth and beauty in those artistic expressions and straining out what I think is untruthful? Is that really how God is? It's just so extreme. And then I have friends drawing those lines and I feel exhausted by it. By my faith- not faith in God but my construction of theological beliefs and rights and wrongs and limitedness. Weary of the opposite views of God, and wondering if I am carving a God out of wood or finding the True one. But isn't He good enough to speak if we're trying? He has promised that. (So how do we still find Him so differently.) These are things without resolution but He will someday redeem.

Why can't we dialogue more? What makes us so convinced we are right? (and want so badly to shove that into other people? instead of allowing them to wander and fall upon the same Truth.) Not that we shouldn't share our experiences and give wisdom and the Gospel-- but, you can never make people change or make them believe. I preach to the choir... I can never find the words I mean when I am with the people I want to speak them too, I don't want to argue, I just want to somehow be able to convince people to listen and talk and try to understand. Peace is in my personality, that's probably why I love it, and desire to see non-violent movements. Yes God is violent and judges in the end- but He shows mercy and He has the advantage of being God- of knowing the heart, of knowing who deserves what and who has denied His Son. That's quite different from the wars we now fight. But now I've said a mess more than I meant too.

spin these webs and build a home

I was in Pittsburgh last weekend with my sister at her apartment and there is an old Cathedral converted into a college building - but it looks just the same except instead of pews there are desks and tables- I curled up for hours there reading and these were thoughts I scribbled down.

""If we are not outraged by the seed as by the bloom, there is not true justice in our heart. For all atrocity and the ugliest things of this life begin in our own hearts- in greed, in prejudice, in pride, in envy, in suspicion and fear of those different than us, in the way these fears threaten us. Activism must be every Christian's response, not to issues, but to life. We can not be passive-ist. Our imaginations should be exercised and stretched to match God's zeal for mercy and justice. We should be outraged by the systematic stereotyping and villifying of any people, of media constructs that spin our life. We should and must question the voice(s) behind the messages and adverts we consume as gluttons. We should refuse to stand (or swallow) such.

We have became a nation of passive-ist, not engaging- apathetic, uncaring, and utterly self-absorbed. The reality of poverty, of death, of the spiritual realm leaves us unmarked, and less inspired than the fictitious fables we feast on all hours of the day. The outside world is traded for the matrix of cyber-space, relationships for mirrors and echo-boxes. Our identity as Christians, as belonging to God through faith in Jesus the Christ- must never be sold for nationalist pride. Being a Christian should make our love and concern for those different than us- for Muslims, Buddhist, Atheist, homosexuals, (post-)modernist, new-agers, etc- greater. It should make us more willing to sacrifice to show them the heart of God. In the essence of Christ, it should make us friends and neighbors to our enemies. Because only through conforming to the nature of God will we preach truth. In my view, patrioism is valuable to the extent it produces thankfulness and commitment to making one's country a better place for the world."

But at what point do we resign ourselves to eternity's corrections? To what point do we resist? Should we stop at nothing to promote justice? Where do we draw the balance? How do you change a system/worldview/religiosity- that does not want to change, that would sacrifice you to continue in its way? And why are we so afraid of these questions? Of changing, of allowing that we were in error in our thoughts and practices? Why are we so prepared to be unnoteable, so afraid of taking any action that might effect us. We shrink from disturbing our own lives. What words could conjur a blow to this selfishness in me? Could stir up a true surrender to Jesus Christ? I'm trying to be unsettled, to understand, to be willing to engage, to seek, to change and allow changes, to be corrected graciously. Humility. It must run so deep- to allow anyone to be our teacher, especially those we do not want to be taught by. This discontentment must grow until we know our only choice is to change.

"High King of Heaven, my treasure Thou art." I am so thankful for friends willing to question and seek- to put themselves out of comfort to allow change. They inspire me to be braver- to dare those things, to not allow discontentment to settle into apathy.

crimson salt shaped thoughts

Monday, I came to bed at 3am, kept awake by the Olympics and thoughts, and my sister waking said, "lets get up at 6 and drive to the Ocean." So we did. It was the calmest day I've ever been there. Almost no waves, so you could just float and float and listen to underwater noises. It is that type of stillness where God's peace soaks into me.

Everything feels right lately. Not perfect, not like I'd imagine it if I were daydreaming- but just the same, it feels right. Like its moving in the right direction, like I'll get there even if I take slow steps, like I am being drawn by the riptide out to the depths- but this is a good thing. I guess that's what peace feels like- amidst the rushing, rushing. Uganda is coming so quickly, and my heart is butterflies about it and there is so much to prepare for, so much I can't prepare for. It seems unreal. Like the garbled language of the underwater whispering.

I think clouds feel like children, so far above everything that they only see play houses and doll people and little matchbox cars, and very old at the same time because they've seen so much. I feel that way. but never 21. Twenty-one is a strange age. It's supposed to mean too much, It can't possibly. mm. my head is full of sun-bleached thoughts and too much commotion, too many questions and hopes. I feel small. I feel young. But joyful. I want to keep soaking this in, coming to a deeper, ever changing understanding of what everything means.

something I am trying to figure out

Blissful days with favorites this week. The first of which is books- and one in particular that has been stretching my thoughts. The second, my Maryland friends who know my knots and tangles. [Moments] like dobbing on our "European" picnic dusk at the baseball fields, sleepovers and joyful laughter, quiet conversations of truth and faith and doubt and wonder, finding treasures & Pocky at Asian markets, coffee & light rain on the patio of the Poor House, eating Thai at deserted restaurants with friendly owners, sleepy movie time, and pleasant car drives with summer warmth blanketed by beautiful music, and reading stories which perfectly sum up our friendship.

But, another thought has been dogging me lately... It seems so often we can only speak about God in cliches, in similies and metaphors instead of experiences. I want to know God in a way where I can express ideas and thoughts- without a language made of rhetoric, without a language s dressed up in religious garbs, I want to learn this language of the present - of Him "moving into the neighborhood." Fresh like the first bite of summer melon on the hottest day. mint thoughts. Something new, something that comes from prayer, something that blooms each day. Words that come from knowing God, words that are a new song, verbs that are to be that end in -ing, present tense.

God is near. God is - inside, without.
God is beyond, above, before, after, beginning at the ending, ending at the beginning,
outside. unlimited. utterly apart. He is.

I am frustrated by my limitations of grasping Him. He can not be fully known, and yet it is His nature to reveal Himself, to be known, and yet, to ever be mystery. I want to know God and Jesus Christ whom He sent and the Spirit was given me for this very purpose.

new words.
new understanding.
comes s l o w l y.