[August 27th]

I won't get long sidetracked on this because I have expressed myself at length before but, isn't it strange how desiring peace and as much as possible non-violence makes you a target as a traitor, unpatriotic, disrespectful. Since when does being American mean thinking her name is worth bloodshed no matter the circumstance? Surely I missed that memo. And yet I wish I could speak - not about wars- but about how our lives should be non-violent. Paul taught whatever was beneficial (as he repeats in his letters.) I am just discontent. With the differences, and not knowing where I should be- these opposing sides.

Like this, my friend had a note on facebook of Emerson's poem- and this guy started this long discussion about how God is a jealous God and Emerson had some messed up theories and therefore its wrong to read Emerson because we're aligning ourselves against God. "And Jesus isn't a pacifist (check out Revelations)" - yet Jesus was the one who blessed the peacemakers. I don't know it just upset me- because I wonder, am I wrong? am I decieved? Is God jealous and angry that I am finding the truth and beauty in those artistic expressions and straining out what I think is untruthful? Is that really how God is? It's just so extreme. And then I have friends drawing those lines and I feel exhausted by it. By my faith- not faith in God but my construction of theological beliefs and rights and wrongs and limitedness. Weary of the opposite views of God, and wondering if I am carving a God out of wood or finding the True one. But isn't He good enough to speak if we're trying? He has promised that. (So how do we still find Him so differently.) These are things without resolution but He will someday redeem.

Why can't we dialogue more? What makes us so convinced we are right? (and want so badly to shove that into other people? instead of allowing them to wander and fall upon the same Truth.) Not that we shouldn't share our experiences and give wisdom and the Gospel-- but, you can never make people change or make them believe. I preach to the choir... I can never find the words I mean when I am with the people I want to speak them too, I don't want to argue, I just want to somehow be able to convince people to listen and talk and try to understand. Peace is in my personality, that's probably why I love it, and desire to see non-violent movements. Yes God is violent and judges in the end- but He shows mercy and He has the advantage of being God- of knowing the heart, of knowing who deserves what and who has denied His Son. That's quite different from the wars we now fight. But now I've said a mess more than I meant too.