agitated heart

I feel really spacey lately, its frusterating. I feel distracted but I'm not sure from what or by what exactly... trying to figure that out. Education seriously bothers me lately. My one teacher will never say someone is wrong, and we can have completely contradictory views. [Thank you, postmodernism.] It's like all this noise filling my head and I want to throw it up. I don't know, its hard to explain, I guess just learning a lot of things that aren't neccessarily truth, just philosophies and screwed up worldviews that weary me.

I don't know what I'm learning. I feel like I'm going to have to sell myself to something to live out my passion. I don't mind work, I enjoy it, I like it... but what's the point of a pointless job for pointless success or possessions, what life is in that? Farmers. I think they have nice lives, free of consumerism, living off the land, working to live and eat. Honestly, I wish so much I could do something tiny like make pottery or jewelry, grow my own food, and live simply so I can love. serve. write. pray. play. travel. worship. I don't want this huge complex world, but how do you divorce yourself from it?

Sometimes I think about all the people living as dead people and I just can't stand my life in light of that. It all means so much more than I can comprehend. And there is more, listening to the Spirit of God, a life of serving and loving. and not just love that is kind, but love that dares to be selfless and true. Love is representing Jesus in a way that makes Him known (not just seen.) I'm afraid I'll lose my heart for the world admist living in it. I'm afraid slowly the apathy and complacency will creep in and I'll look back on my life and realize I didn't "fulfill God's will for me in my generation." (thats a scripture about what King David did.)

America is a baby nation, 231 years old, a smart-alec with a good heart and an entitlement complex. "Instant success without commitment." I want to study the 60s-present, maybe then I'll understand how to hold onto America, how to throw her a life preserver. *ah my idealism, it'll be the death of me.* I like the lyrics by Brave St. Saturn, "the bravest thing of all is always hope." My heart is agitated, in motion... agitated because I love these silly kids, children of the great America (of whatever age.) Emos with faces and hearts hidden beneath bangs, trying to sing out their emotions, knit up their hearts... gangsters with psuedo-families aching not to be orphans... my hope in Portland is to work with the Youth for a Mission base that reaches out to the runaway teens and artists. I've discovered that I really love teenagers and I want to mentor and just live life with them... I want to stumble and scrap my knees, and bleed, and in the end intercede in the lives of people. I love America (and the world) .... but I love our messy, ugly, beautiful, idealistic, realistic, selfish, needy country... all of us strange creatures. And I need to live like it all matters, I think a lot of times I want to live like it doesn't. But it's not true. For the past couple months I've been wrestling through a thousand thoughts on politics and life and the future and ... there's just this thing in my heart that won't go away.

I don't know what it all means, I don't know what all the little words I feel like are brands on my heart amount too... but I just want to live in the presence of Jesus, and be defined by that. I fail so often. I am the worst at loving. But I want to spend my life figuring that out. I don't want to waste this. Mmmmm. So... that's my life right now, I'm going to class, spending way to much time thinking, and trying to live in this moment with God. Messy. It's messy. But, that makes it more exciting I suppose. I like in the Chronicles of Narnia where they say, "Of course He's not safe, but He's good." I want to be like God in that way too... I don't want to be tamed, definable, or "safe" but I want to be so good.

I feel like there is something on the tip of my tongue, that if I could just put into words would be a piece of this puzzle, but it's elusive.

Also, I hate how because I am always laughing people assume I don't take things seriously. In my writing class tonight they were giving me a hard time because I am always "chipper" and giggling but I write these intense/sad stories. Matthew (a guy in my class) was doing impressions of me hearing tragic news clips and being like "oh thats so bad hehehehehe." Why is happy the equivolent of shallowness to so many people? I need to make a shirt that says, I may be giggling but I'm still thinking. OR something. It's the most frusterating stereotype. I'm either the girl in the corner reading a book [my extreme stereotype- thank you, Angela ;)] or the giggling one.

Sometimes I feel that by speaking, I am actually concealing who I am. Like tonight at Bible study, I "had" to say a high and low point. I didn't want to, and so as I listened to myself speak, it just wasn't me, as I know myself. And honestly, my highpoint was coffee. asdfj;aks;ka.

So... maybe someone else gets it?

because I didn't feel like myself yesterday

and tonight I do.

"If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it." - Anais Nin

i want to be taken seriously.
not a replacement, not a consideration.
earth-shattering romance.
if i fall in love at all, i want it to be a steamroller.
i want it to flatten my fears
lay flat my insecurites
and steam right past them
I want to thresh them out on the floor
a love that makes me freer and braver.
bold. breathtaking.
love rich as the oldest wine
deep as the galaxies
scary as hell.
mysterious and invasive.
hide and seek.
love that has no expectation to be the cure,
because we already know the Healer.
love that shares life.
its a high demand, but I wouldn't have any other form.
love that dares to waltz in the field. [claire, you understand.]

but... more than that,
I want to love. till it breaks every selfish bone in my body.