you watch the stars fade, they gather you back to their home.

Fearing is such a useless pursuit.
The future never occurs as I have imagined or worried about it,
and had I the foresight to worry about the correct things,
I'd never change them by the worrying anyway.

Life unfolds, like a flower. Unravels like a scroll,
revealing its deeper beauty, its deeper pain
it's hidden mysteries...
I want to wake wrapped in them.
"For, I will be satisfied when I awake in Your presence."
I love, horridly, miserably, humanly...
but as often as I weakly and halteringly stumble into the sunlight
as often as I blink before the brightness of His Glory--
I am changed.
Into a strong, braver self.
I lack courage.
I lack consistancy.
In short, I lack it all.
but my need makes me in the perfect position to recieve the One who is all.
To dependently sit at His feet. I am learning that childlike trust, its been a slow process that's taken me through a series of events I wouldn't have desired had I forseen them... but from it all arises the peace from letting things go into His hands, from knowing that grace abounds deeper than any of my failings.

Truth, not theories. Not loving and embracing ideas but realties, revelations.
Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the holy consuming fire, and the voice of the wind-- the Holy Spirit.
I want the reality of the spiritual world as rich as I percieve the physical with my senses.

...and all of these things are being developed in the simplest moments of eating coffee icecream with Nano and Daniela in our kitchen, painting a flock of blue birds across our wall, trailblazing with my dad on the coast, resting my head on a table in some diner to resist a laughing spell, or wathcing people on the bus. Life is rich with the image of God, and if I open my eyes I see Him everywhere. He's near. So near.

I hurt because I am alive and until death I will hurt over the stamp of eternity, the fingerprint of God upon my heart. I will groan with creation and cry over movies and books and personal defeats and tragedies- and if I am among the blessed I will cry over the beauty, over the sensation of a glimpse of eternal things, over the smallest taste of communion with God and other men. And my tears will baptize my heart with gratefulness and wash my needy hands as they stretch out to be grasped by God. There is a dream inside me that will not die, that can't be extinguished... in that dream it snows inside my heart.

... In that dream I am finally awake.