we mingle in the dust

I've been taking walks every night lately, that movement, the rhythm of my feet on pavement, it's almost involuntary-- a need really. Moonlight, mist, chill, droplets off the ends of branches, the conviction that everything matters.

I am struggling, to know what direction to go in. I know what classes I chose next semester, who I chose to be around, what I'm involved in... all of it matters so much-- all of it shapes me and determines where my life goes. All of it has eternal weight. And that builds this ever present stress in me-- what am I choosing, how do I know what to choose, how do I know where God is... how do I piece together the contrary thoughts in my life and the recognition of my past-- thoughts that have changed so much when I once would have sworn they were RIGHT. TRUTH.

This semester has been good in so many ways-- becoming who I want to be and pursuing things I want to do... but, I feel this pressure, not to know the future- but to make right decisions in the present, to define where I am, what I value, and what it is that my heart is needing... to know how to follow Jesus and the gospel. Yet I am so sick of all the jargon and rituals and superficiality of church and the way it's practiced. I want to do, not think... I have longed all my life to be deep awake, to be alive. And, I feel like the only choice is, in a sense, to be radical ... or not to believe. "lukewarm spitting." And to be radical I mean, if I believe it- it is a lifestyle, ... the gospel, the sermon on the mount, the pursuit of God, the denial of myself, actually loving and serving others, actually prioritizing my time around living the incarnation... and maybe this inner stress is really just the confrontation of my heart's laziness. It's been good to read the Bible with RYR lately. And to send out deep sea soundings to distant friends and hear their hearts echoed back. [Thank you.]

red dust on my suitcase, roots dangling in hand

I've made friends and once again some of those friends are heading off with pieces of my heart embedded. Life must have been much simpler before airplanes and trains and all the machines that carry friends afar. I don't understand why there is this constant uprooting (even when I settle myself to be settled) but it's alright.

"Life is a journey from the house of fear to the house of love."