freeze frame

I cut my hair like a crazy person today, thank God I was distracted or it would've become drastic. Would probably still snip at it if I hadn't put the scissors back. It just happens that way. They sit there tempting me with all the raging of thoughts and questions inside and I have to act out on something, and my poor hair.

I don't know why it takes so long / I cut my hair, I grow it back / First the thought and then the act /

I finally had a revelation that foolishly took me all semester long. Ah me and hindsight, at least feelings have context. The seed began when the South African cross-cultural team arrived back "home"... their presentations made me miss for Africa, and then I talked to some friends about cross-cultural experiences and the forced, quick intimacy-- how you have to figure out how to sustain friendships built in that context in normal life. I didn't realize, in a sense, I've been expecting my relationships here to be like cross-cultural friendships.

I'd gotten used to the cycle of making friends in forced intimate situations (situations where we had to become vulnerable, dependent, and open quickly-- where adventures and bonding were moments of the day... because we were out of our country, out of our contexts, out of our comfort zone.) And, I've felt lonesome here, much harder to break into friends groups. I don't know why I didn't think of it before, why this time was so different. But, the distance in relationships... Not all, thank goodness for the few complimentary heart shades and the Orange Tree Spirit who adopted me instantly, seeing past the girl who takes time to unravel, to be myself... to be other than "quiet." The distance- is the normal approach.

Leave it to me to take so long to see what the average person is used to experiencing. I've been socialized differently-- I refuse to label it awkwardly, but they'll call it what they will. I realize for me, day to day life is supposed to be made up of intimacy, of deep questioning, of walks... I need genuine human interaction each day. I don't feel alive unless that happens- those moments of connecting.

Maybe its the culture here, but in some ways its harder to figure out, to fit in, especially this business of not saying hi or goodbye to people who are "friends," so strange. I feel, for the present, I have to mask my appreciation and enjoyment of people. My reluctance to say I someone's friend because I'm not sure what they consider me. Maybe its just re-entering a "cold climate" culture. The sense that I'm not really being accepted or "in" or whatever, is because people aren't used to making intimate friendships in a few weeks (or months), they're used to building them... where I'm used to being thrown in with whatever lot I get and scavenging out of that friendships that later form my heart.

so, this is real life now... slow, steady relationships. Relationships that are defined... by context, I suppose. Interesting. I don't really know what this means, but I feel like it's significant.