I just want to know the meaning of life, no big deal.

This morning when the ten faces of my room woke up-- glaring horrid faces of light, I did not want to get up. Sometimes my ache for purpose is counter-productive to my desire to live deep awake. I have been talking to God a lot lately, because we're brawling, and I am not ready to let him come sauntering back in with his silences, so I am holding him at arms length and leveling every accusation against him-- this time the fight will be out in the open, down and dirty, and I will not let go until there is some resolution. But, He prefers this, he is inclined towards those who never shut up or sit down with their hopeful doubt. 


And this morning I recalled: "all actual life is encounter." And that struck me, as certainty and determinism are lost to my vocabulary-- the glory of every day is this: to encounter, to search, to "purpose" of right now is this- to indwell the moment, to encounter an Other.  To live as if it were my purpose to pour all of myself into the present, to hear others, to love others, to love God. 


Since I am not nearly as stubborn as God, this morning He managed to wrangle his way back in, sneaky Being. I chose to just move moment by moment, with joy. I spent an hour doing yoga, then drank coffee and ate pastries with my housemates in the kitchen. I search for meaning to much when meaning may be as simple as being witness to this moment, cherishing it, filling it with love and allowing myself to be filled with it...  "Most of the time, there is only this moment, and the imperfect love of people."


I feel peace, not because of resolutions, but because God is more ornery than I am.


"the way will descend into my

soul as the dew, inescapable,

I adore the distance as a

worshiper of wandering

of the thousand lives indwelling one 

and this storm shuffles down the valley,

a steady unhurried approach, 

where time is only a servant to emergence

an arrival that can never be late

all i have left is this

is this and only this

(and this is more than enough)"