fall and freedom

Every once in awhile I become so aware of life's beauty I am overwhelmed by emotions. joy. ectasy. affection. delight. awe.

[rocks state park in prose]
Oh for a thousand days like this
the pale yellow leaves floating, sinking through the air as if it were water
like a school of jellyfish swimming through the sky
the eruption of butterflies in my stomach as my legs dangle over the side of the cliff,
knowing there is nothing between my perch and a free fall into gems of ruby, golds, and bronze
sitting on the edge of eternity, bravely mocking death by grinning at it
the wind gently brushing the tangles out of the trees, in ribbons of yellow and red
the air chilled to make each breath almost painful, like a splash of cold water
--awakening.
the ache that beauty carves inside of me... a taste of "realities beyond"
and each moment captured only by snapping the eyes shut for one moment of memorization,
no cameras to crystalize and encapsulate, only this moment to inhale this memory
a smudge of birds, like tiny black arrowheads darting across a swaying wheat field
and the sunbeams, warm but distant, greet my face from miles away with winking eyes.
the trees are friends, tall and bent, stoic witnesses of generations of earth's children
but it's the silent companionship that plunges deeper than any words could dig
and if I died this minute it would be with a smile of contentment, complete resolution...
and on the other side of those sunrays kiss is the face of the Son, ever nearer.
oh, for a thousand days like this.

... freedom, it's the scariest thing, the deep beckoning void that dares me jump. It's much easier to settle for less than the love of God that chases away every fear. I've been thinking of it often lately. The threat of being absolutely free and how we shy away from it, are scared to be radical. But every fiber of my being yearns for it. afraid or not... I can not evade His call. My heart can settle for nothing wholer than union with the Holy. If I really really comprehended God's love I would be absolutely free. It is to cross that place of no return. But at the same time, there is nothing I want more. It's like those butterflies-- that terrifying leap of abandonment, that must be repeated every time we build our own places of safety, every time our heart begins to think it can save itself. Faith must risk our reputation in believing. That is the demand of God-- absolute trust, absolute dependency-- eyes closed, bold leaps into the air because it is with the wings of faith we fly.

"The great spiritual task facing me is to so fully trust that I belong to God that I can be free in the world- free to speak even when my words are not recieved, free to act even when my actions are criticized, ridiculed, or considered useless; free also to recieve love from people and to be grateful for all the signs of God's presence in the wrold. I am convinced that I will truly be able to love the world when I fully believe that I am loved far beyound its boundraries." - Henri Nouwen. (genius.)